by Patricia Collins, LCSW
Social Worker - Heart Center

A common question that parents have when they learn their unborn child has a heart defect is, “What do I tell my other children?”

When a child has a medical condition, the entire family feels the effects. It can be a tender, challenging subject for parents to address with siblings before and after the birth of their baby brother or sister.

Parents naturally want to protect their children from having to deal with difficult information. It’s important to find a balance between providing honest information in a developmentally appropriate way. Parents know their children best and are the best people to talk with them about changes in the family. It is also important to remember that you are not alone and that there are many people to support you and your family through this journey.

Talking with your children:

• Provide honest information that is geared toward each child’s developmental level and temperament - timing will be different depending on a child’s level of understanding.
• Provide reassurance that it’s not their fault.
• Reassure children that it’s the parents’ job to take care of the baby and that they are working closely with the doctors to do what’s best for their brother or sister – their job is to “be a kid.”
• Prepare them for what’s going to happen when the baby is born. (mom and dad will be away for a while and the baby will need to stay in the hospital.)
• Provide reassurance that they will be taken care of – make a plan for their care and tell them the plan – maintain routines as much as possible.

Keep your children involved:

An important part of the process is keeping your child involved during the pregnancy and after the baby is born. Some suggestions for including them are:

• Visits to the hospital (if appropriate) – you can ask for assistance from a Child Life Specialist to help prepare them for the visit.
• Photos back and forth.
• Have siblings help pick out toys/clothes for the baby.
• Video conferencing or face time between family members at home and family members at the hospital.
• Art projects/cards for the baby.

Remember that it is normal for siblings to have a range of emotions and conflicting feelings about a new baby, especially when a baby has medical needs. Be open to their expression of feelings, whether it is verbal, behavioral, or through their play.

For further information and resources, the social worker in our Heart Center is available at 801-662-3729.

Helpful Books:

• What About Me? When Brothers and Sisters Get Sick, by A. Peterkin.
• Hi My Name is Jack: A Book for the Healthy Siblings of Chronically Ill Children, by Christina Beall- Sullivan.
• Views from Our Shoes: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs, by Don Meyer.
• Glad Monster, Sad Monster, A book About Feelings, by Anne Miranda.