By Marilyn Morris
Child Advocacy Specialist

“The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.”
- Bruce Feiler, The Stories That Bind Us, New York Times, 3/17/13

Joey is growing up and the world keeps getting crazier. What can you do to help him learn how to be more confident and resilient? Enroll him in Kung Fu or send him to a military boot camp? Actually, one of the best things you can do is to tell him stories about his family heritage.

As a family history addict, I have always loved hearing stories of my ancestors. My 10^th great grandmother was one of the victims of the Salem Witch trials. My grandmother left Switzerland and came to America when she was only 7 years old. A great grandfather was a deserter from the Civil War and lived under an assumed name. We all have stories in our families – good, bad, serious, funny, heroic, even scandalous - but together these stories are valuable treasures we need to share with our children.

In his New York Times’ article, “The Stories that Bind Us”, Bruce Feiler wrote about how he has spent the last few years studying what makes families effective, resilient and happy. In the process, he discovered the work of a psychologist named Marshall Duke at Emory University who with a colleague, Dr. Robyn Fivush, developed a “Do You Know” scale.

For their research four dozen families were asked 20 questions about their family history during taped dinnertime conversations. The children’s answers were then compared to their results from a battery of psychological tests. Dr. Duke’s astounding conclusion: “The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.”

Sounds easy, right? Just sit Joey down and go through the test and voila, he is confident and successful! Unfortunately, just simply telling your child the answers to the “Do You Know” scale or similar questions, isn’t the solution. It is the storytelling occasions that are important. Tell your children stories about yourself, grandparents, uncles, aunts, other ancestors, or whatever you know. And don’t just tell about the good times. Stories of failures and difficult experiences can help a child learn that families can be strong when times are tough. Tell stories during dinner time, while playing together, visiting relatives, waiting at red lights, or on family vacations. Family stories help a child develop a sense of “intergenerational self”; of being part of a larger core family that pulls together to work things out.

We all want to give our children the best ways of coping with life, from simple things like skinned knees to horrible things like terrorist bombings in Boston. Why not use the wit, wisdom, and experiences of our family members both present and past? A strong sense of family is a gift that will help your child learn to cope with life’s many ups and downs.

Below you’ll find the original 20 questions that the researchers asked children as part of the study. You might be surprised to see how many of these you and your children can answer.

The Do You Know Scale

Please answer the following questions by circling “Y” for “yes” or “N” for “no.” Even if you know the information we are asking about, you don’t need to write it down. We just wish to know if you know the information.

1. Do you know how your parents met? Y/N
2. Do you know where your mother grew up? Y/N
3. Do you know where your father grew up? Y/N
4. Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up? Y/N
5. Do you know where some of your grandparents met? Y/N
6. Do you know where your parents were married? Y/N
7. Do you know what went on when you were being born? Y/N
8. Do you know the source of your name? Y/N
9. Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born? Y/N
10. Do you know which person in your family you look most like? Y/N
11. Do you know which person in the family you act most like? Y/N
12. Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger? Y/N
13. Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences? Y/N
14. Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school? Y/N
15. Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc)? Y/N
16. Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young? Y/N
17. Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young? Y/N
18. Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to? Y/N
19. Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to? Y/N
20. Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough? Y/N

Marilyn has a degree in Psychology and English. She has been working at Primary Children’s for 12 years and has been a certified Child Passenger Safety Technician for 6 yrs. She is also a certified instructor for Transporting Children with Special Health Care Needs. She has 3 children and 8 grandchildren and is passionate about helping keep kids safe. Marilyn loves to travel, read, and is a family history addict.