by Lisa Paxton, Ariana’s Mother
Middleton, ID

There is a club you never think you will become a member of, until the day comes and without a choice you are signed up. You begin a journey of ups and downs - hope and despair. On March 15, 2013, we joined that club. Our 4 -year-old daughter Ariana was diagnosed with Stage IV High-Risk Neuroblastoma Cancer. What began as severe constipation with a possibility of appendicitis, turned into my daughter has a mass on her adrenal gland and we think it could be cancer. When the oncologist walked into Ariana’s hospital room, he sat down and began explaining what they were thinking the mass (tumor) was. It was most likely Neuroblastoma, but then it might not be. I was a little confused during that time because I felt so overwhelmed, I really couldn’t understand what they were saying.

The first experience of sending my sweet daughter into surgery was extremely emotional. Once she was mostly sedated, they said give her a kiss on her head and don’t worry she is in good hands. My thoughts went to, are you crazy, telling a mother not to worry is like saying don’t go to the bathroom when your bladder is screaming at you. They were able to resect the tumor, getting it completely removed, which was very positive. Waiting to hear back from pathology about the results was unexplainable. On March 15th, we were given confirmation that the tumor was definitely Neuroblastoma. It wasn’t until March 25, 2013, that we learned the full diagnosis of the cancer was stage IV, high-risk, metastasis throughout her skeleton and bone marrow.

Since learning our daughter has cancer we have witnessed and experienced blessings and miracles. The day her hair began to fall out, I was combing her hair and came away with a lot more hair in the comb then I have ever seen before. We expected this to happen, but until it happens you don’t realize the feelings you will have. But the sweet innocence of our daughter changed that moment as she looked at us and said, “Don’t worry. It will grow back mommy.” My faith grew stronger and I know her hair will one day grow back.

During each cycle Ariana has shown strength beyond her years and she amazes me each day with her continued endurance through this great trial. I was just thinking of the brave face she puts on when we are at the hospital or clinic. On a Wednesday when she was receiving a blood transfusion in Salt Lake, she was polite and smiley for the doctors and nurses. When we were finished and went back to my parents’ home, she ended up having a huge melt down. I held her and she just sobbed in my arms. She is such a beautifully strong little girl. Once she had cried, she found more strength to put on her happy face and have a pretty good rest of the day. May her example be something everyone can see and know - we can all do HARD things.

One of the most difficult parts about this journey, is when my little girl is overflowing with uncontrollable tears and emotion, and there is no medication to make it stop. All I can do is hold her, rocking and singing to her until she is exhausted. She has been so tired some days, but finally after a long tearful crying spell she sleeps. It is all I can do to hold back my own tears when she cries, and wait until she is asleep to let my own tears flow. I know without a doubt a Heavenly Father and many angels surround this room at those times, rocking us together. Helping me to be strong for her in such difficult moments. The chemotherapy medicines, radiation, and transplant processes are so hard on her little body. She is so strong to endure, as she is crying she turns and looks up at me and says, “Mommy I love you so much!” or “I’m sorry mommy, I just can’t help it.” I swallow my heartache, and I am amazed again that she is worrying for me.

Our days in the hospital have been long, but our sweet, talented girl pushes through the tough moments and distracts herself by doing projects. Her walls are covered and it’s wonderful. Our journey continues as Ariana fights to be cured from her cancer. Our family continues to pray and witness miracles, as each day she is full of life and energy making, us almost forget the raging war within her little body.

Story Lines is a feature on Play Ground telling personal stories and experiences – written by the individual. If you would like to share your hospital experience on this blog, please contact us.